I wouldn't be The "WifeyMommyPreneur", without first being a wife. My marriage is very important to me and I am constantly making sure that I am nurturing the relationship between me and my husband. I've been with him since I was 16 years old and we've been married for over 8 years. He rocks my world! :)
One of my husbands good friends gave me a workbook and some audio cd's by Dr. Ellen Kreidman, called "Light His Fire" as a wedding present and I still refer to those materials till this very day. I also have my married girlfriends listening to the cd's and going through the workbook! :)
She is the founder of one of the best-selling audio programs of all times, Light His Fire for Women and Light Her Fire for men. You may have seen her on some major talk shows including Oprah, Montel, Geraldo, Sally, Maury, Barbara Walter's, and "The View." She's been featured in most major newspapers, magazines and radio shows around the nation. Over one million of her audio and video programs have been sold and counting! I'd like to share with you a transcript of an interview with Dr. Ellen on a radio show.
Taking care of our businesses and making sure that we are on top of everything that needs to get done on a day to day is important, but even more important is making sure that we have a healthy and happy marriage. Utilize the advice given by Dr. Ellen and make sure that you are continuing to "LIGHT HIS FIRE". :)
To your success in Love and Life!
Monique Bradford - The WifeyMommyPreneur
RADIO HOST: You talk about kissing for 10 seconds everyday. Why is that so important?
DR. ELLEN: When a couple stands at the altar and vows to love each other, "Till death do us part," they take for granted that they will be intimately connected forever. The kiss at the end of the ceremony symbolizes that connection.
The kiss is the core of a relationship. It is a barometer of how things are going. A couple can be having sex but not kissing. If they are not kissing passionately the relationship is in trouble. Most couples aren't even aware of when their relationship started changing. What started out as a passionate relationship, over time becomes a friendship. One day they wake up and realize, "We're roommates and no longer lovers! Well I'm here to tell you that you can keep your friend and get the lover back too.
When you give someone a peck on the cheek, that says, "I love you," but a 10 second kiss says, "I'm still in love with you!"
Of all the homework assignments I give, the 10 second kiss has the most immediate and dramatic effect. If you give it in the morning it sets the tone for the rest of the day and if you give it in the evening it sets the mood for the rest of the evening. It's not your brother, sister peck on the cheek which feels comfortable and platonic. It's a passionate kiss that makes you feel warm, close and connected.
I want everyone listening, to grab their mate tonight and give them a passionate 10 second kiss. When they say, "WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU", you can tell them, I listened to this show and, "WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE ROOMMATES ANYMORE. FROM NOW ON WE ARE LOVERS AGAIN."
Before you kiss, you may feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, tense, annoyed and distant. After, you'll feel close, warm, and connected.
When we kiss, we are exchanging our breath with one another. When we exchange breathe, we are breathing in our mate's life force, his energy and he is breathing in ours. In this way we become one. That is why this is such an intimate act.
RADIO HOST: You say it only takes 5 seconds to make a person feel good. Can you explain?
DR. ELLEN: It takes only 5 seconds to change a frown into a smile and put a bounce in someone's step. 5 seconds!! We all want to matter. That's why everyone announces themselves when they walk through the door saying, "Hi, I'm home!" What we're really wanting is, "TELL ME WHY I MATTER, TELL ME WHY I AM IMPORTANT, TELL ME WHY I MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE, and don't just tell me once, tell me over and over again, everyday of my life.
When your head hits the pillow at night, ask yourself, "Have I made the people I love the most, feel good? Have I given them a compliment? If the answer is NO, you owe them two the next day.
RADIO HOST: What are the signs that a relationship is in trouble?
DR. ELLEN: There's No talking, No touching, No time together.
RADIO HOST: Why do couples have such a tough time communicating?
DR. ELLEN: Because, first of all, the average American couple spends only 21 minutes a week talking. That's averages out to 3 minutes a day. That includes:
What's for dinner?
How are the kids?
How was work?
What do you know of, that can survive on 3 minutes? Could you study for 3 minutes a day and hope to pass a course? Could you raise kids on 3 minutes a day? Could you have fallen in love if you spent 3 minutes a day together?
So how can we spend 3 minutes a day and think we'll have a meaningful relationship? WE CAN'T! You need to spend 30 minutes a day of uninterrupted time talking together. Share your day. If you don't, then the days become weeks, become months and then years and one day you are sitting across from a stranger saying, "I don't know you!
RADIO HOST: You believe that a couple should plan for sex. Doesn't that take away the spontaneity?
DR. ELLEN: First of all, I want you to put sex on the calendar. Yes, I want you to plan for it. We put doctor's appointments on the calendar, dentist's appointments; we even schedule car maintenance on the calendar. But heaven for bid, we schedule the person who means the most to us on the calendar. Let me ask you something. What do you think a honeymoon is if not an entire week of planned sex? And everyone has the time of their life going out and buying special lingerie, cologne, perfume and planning for sex.
My plan so you can remain lovers is:
1 night a week - date night
Every three months - an overnight stay at a hotel
Once a year - a one week vacation
Your marriage or relationship is a separate entity. You may not feel like doing these things but your marriage requires that you do.
Men need sexual fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally, and women need emotional fulfillment in order to respond to a man sexually. When you plan for sex, both can get their needs fulfilled because you take your time - you talk; you kiss and spend quality time together.
RADIO HOST: Why is it important to pay attention to your mate's fantasy?
DR. ELLEN: Because we all have a dream. We all wish for something and we, in most cases, have the ability to make someone's dream come true. For someone it could be breakfast in bed, for someone else it could be a sensual shower together. We have to pay attention to what our mate dreams about. Many times the fantasy is very different. When I put the word, "sensuality" on the board most men think making love, having sex. Women think, holding hands, kissing, hugging, a candlelight dinner. I have every possible fantasy covered in the program and I believe I can take the most conservative person and when I get done with them, they'll be shocked at what they are capable of doing and they are going to knock the socks of their mate and their mate will say, "What's gotten into you?"
RADIO HOST: You claim that you can take a couple on the verge of divorce and bring back the feelings they had when they first fell in love. How do you do that?
DR. ELLEN: I show everyone how easy it is to bring back all the feelings they had when they first fell in love by doing what they did when they first fell in love. Couples lose sight of what they did in the beginning of the relationship which made them fall in love in the first place. What they did was kiss, hug, talk, listen, spend time with each other and make each other feel special. If they're not doing those things now how can they be in love? It is the ACTION that causes the ATTRACTION in the first place.
RADIO HOST: How important is laughter in a relationship?
DR. ELLEN: Extremely important because inside every man there's a little boy, and inside every woman there's a little girl waiting to come out and play. The man or woman who knows how to be playful is a joy in someone's life. When is the last time you laughed hysterically with your mate? - Had a pillow fight, a tickle contest, a game of tag, a snowball fight?
RADIO HOST: When you talk about being spontaneous and making love on the spur of the moment in public places, what do you say to those people who are shy and conservative?
DR. ELLEN: Practice makes perfect! We all learned delayed gratification when we were children.
Eat your dinner first and then you can have dessert.
Do your homework and then you can watch TV.
Clean your room and then you can go outside.
We have to retrain ourselves and every once in a while act on impulse, be spontaneous take a risk, do what you feel like doing, NOW! Those are the same actions when someone is having an affair. You can create the same feelings with your mate. Everyone, occasionally has an impulsive, lustful thought but they think, "Not now, not here." I'm saying that once in a while practice saying, "This is the perfect time and the perfect place" and experience the thrill with the possibility of getting caught where your heart starts to pound and the adrenaline starts to flow.
RADIO HOST: You were diagnosed with breast cancer in 1991 and then underwent a bone marrow transplant in 1995 when you had a recurrence. That had to have a major impact on your life. What has that experience taught you?
DR. ELLEN: When you are hooked up to life support and you have no hair, no eyelashes, no fingernails, you know the meaning of life. It is to love someone with all your heart and soul and to have them love you back. That's it. TO LOVE AND BE LOVED! I used to think that people who died in their sleep were lucky because they didn't know what hit them. I don't think that anymore. Now I wonder what would they do or say if they had known with absolute certainty that this was going to be their last month, week or day on earth. I wish I could give everyone the same sense of urgency that I feel. We don't know how much longer we'll have. Don't postpone happiness.
The time to make that I love you call is now!
The time to hug someone is now!
The time to kiss someone is now!
We've been given our lips for kissing, our arms for hugging and our bodies for making love. Don't you dare waste another minute.
RADIO HOST: Our time is up. I want to thank you for this wonderful interview. People can get more information about your Light His Fire and Light Her Fire programs by visiting your website, www.LightYourFire.com and they can also sign up for your free weekly advice column there.
DR. ELLEN: Thank you so much for having me on your show. I really enjoyed it.